Last edited: May 15, 2004

Dear Ah Beng, I Need a Blow Job!, November 23, 2003 (satire)


Dear Ah Beng,

I went to my local Orh Kwee Keng at Geylang Lorong 69 for my regular dose of oral sex, but the girls all told me police now say cannot. I can’t afford full intercourse and hand job very buay song. How like that?

Sucky Situation


Dear Sucky,

Aiyah, listen to the mata, lah. If the police say cannot, I am sure they speak from personal experience.

I checked with my neighbourhood police post and they confirm got one judge say blow job is illegal. I ask them, if blow job cannot, then suck job still legal, not? They say also buay sai. Na beh!

I understand your frustration. Not being able to get a blow job makes me and all of my kaki very too lan. In fact, some of them want to find the judge who say cannot and ‘settle’ with him. I told them, eh, don’tch like that, lah. Hooting a judge is no use, one. Must persuade him. So I suggest maybe kipnap him go JB and get some kway there to, ahem, play his flute and demonstrate for him how oral sex is a nice and natural thing.

Assuming he can get it up, of course. (I think so he can, but maybe he need some help, because the other day, I went to sit in his court and got someone say, “all rise” before he come in. See, even he needs oral help to make him rise.)

But anyway, that doesn’t solve your immediate porblem. I think in this case, foreign talent maybe can help. After all, they suck, so they should be able to teach us how to suck too.

I say they can help because I was watching this ang mor flim called ‘American Pie’, where some guy needed something warm and wet to put his little brother in, and he used an apple pie.

So maybe you can buy an apple pie from Mehdonner’s. It’s quite cheap. (Just don’t tell the auntie what you want it for, wait she offer to do it for you instead. I donno about you, but I prefer the cheap pie to her chee… you know.)

Maybe we can adapt a bit. Maybe a Portuguese egg tart. Or can also use fruit. Microwave a papaya. Esperiment, lah.

Of course, if all these cannot satisfy you, then boh pian must go overseas to find real blow job, lor. I know this sucks, but then, that’s what you want, right?

Ah Beng

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