Last edited: May 15, 2004

Gahmen Launches “Anti–Oral Sex” Campaign, November 16, 2003 (satire)

By Chicken Farmer

Alarmed by the rise in the number of Singaporeans engaging in oral sex, the Gahmen has launched a new campaign to educate citizens against this illicit activity. With a catchy slogan—“Say NO to the O”—the year-long Anti-Oral Sex campaign will push forth the message that Oral Sex is Illegal, and will target couples engaging in this practice, as well as impressionable teenagers experimenting with their sexuality.

Speaking to reporters at the launch of the campaign at Mount Faber, Ministry of Community Development spokesperson Ms Connie Lingus said, “Despite the fact that oral sex is considered illegal in Singapore, many people still continue to engage in this activity, whether knowingly or not. In fact, sexual health experts suggest that up to 60% of all married couples engage in this. This is highly unacceptable! We expect mature, married couples to engage in sexual acts that are in accordance with the laws of nature – i.e. acts that will contribute to increasing the Singapore birth rate!”

“Also, we have noticed that oral-sex practitoners are starting earlier, some even in their teens! No doubt, peer pressure plays a part, but we also believe that the media is sending the message that oral sex is ‘safer sex’ or ‘acceptable sex’. This is reflected in television shows, in movies, and that horrendous “pop” music. It is even worse on the Internet, where websites with seemingly innocuous names like “Talkingcock” are actually subliminally encouraging this practice.”

Ms Lingus then went on to defend the Gahmen’s resolute objection against oral sex. “The law may have been a relic from the British, but just because it is old does not mean it is wrong. In fact, our statisticians can convincingly prove that since the 1960s, as the practice of oral sex became more acceptable and prevalent, Singaporeans are more likely to have premarital sex, have abortions, get married at an older age, have fewer children, and are more likely to get divorced. The conclusion is inescapable, and we must legislate to protect and preserve the very future of our Nation.”

In order to reach out to the young, reporters were shown pamphlets and posters produced for the new campaign. Bright and glossy, to attract the attention of the target teen population, they provide practical information on the topic, with examples and pictures as to what does and does not constitute Oral Sex. “Response has been very promising,” gushed Ms Lingus. “Youngsters were really very interested to get hold of these pamphlets, no doubt due to their interest in Section 377 of the Penal Code. “

However, the campaign will try a different tack with older and married couples. Giving reporters a preview of the Anti-O Website, Ms Lingus said, “We want to use the website to provide couples with practical advice on alternative activities they can engage in, apart from Oral Sex. For those who want to spice up their sex lives, and yet keep within the bounds of legality, we have suggested activities such as:

- Smoking and drinking excessively at home—Spanking and bondage (as long as there is no penetration, it is not considered sex )—Sex against the law of nature with an inflatable doll having sex with multiple partners, or heterosexual couples—Reading the Kama Sutra (not to be confused with a popular local food guide), available at all fine bookshops ( as long as you don’t practice)—Be non-practicing homosexuals—Have sex with your grandmother (Penal Code Chap 224, Section 376A. )”

As a last resort, the campaign have also commissioned a rap song from the creators of the SAR-vivor Rap. Performed by Gurmit Singh ( once again in his Phua Chu Kang persona ), the song “Oh No, No O” will be played incessantly over radio and television until it becomes ingrained into the national psyche.

Added Ms Lingus, “ And if the image of Gurmit Singh with a mole doesn’t turn you off oral sex for life, then frankly, you are beyond our help!”

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