Last edited: May 15, 2004

Fears of Pink Dollar Flight Due to Oral Sex Ban, November 11, 2003 (satire)

By K.K. Cheow

Financial analysts have expressed fears that the Gahmen’s plans to attract consumer spending by homosexuals is being undermined by the courts’ recent meting out of a prison sentence to a policeman convicted of having oral sex.

Said Biggers Ballas analyst Kong Cheow Way, “The Gahmen has been trying to make Singapore more gay-friendly, even going so far as to allow them to penetrate the civil service. But the ban on oral sex severely limits their range of social activities. No amount of theatres or bars will compensate for this lack.”

People Lick Us, a homosexual lobby group in Singapore, released a statement saying, “If you’re gay, not being able to indulge in oral sex really sucks. I mean, if they’re like this about oral sex, we don’t even want to think about anal sex! What assholes!”

Said lawyer Chia Lum Par, “The policeman has real grounds for appeal. Before this, the courts held that oral sex as a prelude to intercourse was fine. But this was a case where the participants both restricted themselves to oral sex alone. It’s stupid to say oral sex in one instance is fine, but not in another. There would be a complete defence if someone said, ‘Oh, we intended to proceed from oral sex to intercourse, but I couldn’t tahan and just came.’ The case was poorly argued. I believe the oral submissions before the judge were completely fallacious.”

Meanwhile, women’s groups are confused about their position. Said Singapore Women Against Licking Lovers and Other Wrongs (SWALLOW) spokesperson Miss Boh Ho Chia, “There’s a double standard. Many men force us to chew their lap cheongs, while they refuse to munch on our oysters. With this ban, we can equalize the inequality.”

The Gahmen has yet to issue an official statement on the oral sex controversy, though sources say the Cabinet believes the issue has been “blown out of proportion.”

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