New Special Tour Service Begins Today
November 9, 2003 (satire)
The recent sentencing of a police officer to 2 years’
jail following his engagement in consensual oral sex with a 16 year old girl
has inspired a new fruit-oriented tour service.
The Bananas Tour, offered by Kim Jio Travel, offers short
overseas trips, mostly across the causeway, for desperate females to satiate
their desire for a mouthful of ‘bananas’.
Declining any overt connection between the court ruling
and their tour, Kim Jio Travel’s spokesperson, Miss Goh Suk Ther, said, “I
also donno why, but after reading the news about the case, I just thought:
wouldn’t it be cool to have a tour where people can freely eat bananas?
Funny how come I thought of that. It just blows my mind.”
The court case Ms Goh referred to has every Singaporean
male keeping their flies zipped tight with their girlfriends and wives. They
fear that their female companions might refuse to proceed to intercourse after
oral sex, and report them to the police and have them winding up in jail like
the police officer in the case.
“What if we just had a fight and my girl was actually
deviously pretending to make up by b***ing me and then run away to tell the
police she just gave me a b***job and I did not f*** her?” said Mr. Au Au
Many men apparently share Mr Au’s fear that their wives
might use the oral sex ruling as a pretext for divorce under the grounds of
“incompatibility”, which could mean anything from personality clashes to
Mr Boh Ji Leow, who has been married for 10 years, told
this reporter that Singaporean wives are known for unscrupulously scheming
after their husbands’ money so he wouldn’t take a chance. “This is a
whole new climate of fear,” he added.
When asked how the ruling has affected her sex life, Mrs
Long Foh Yit said, “My husband will not even, well you know, use his tongue
down there because his lawyer friends are checking for him if there is any law
the British left behind that is against that also. His lawyer friends are
concerned as well. He will only do the bottom one. I am starting to forget his
girth. It was that long ago, ok!”
“It is like I can now see a no-entry sign permanently
in front of my girlfriend’s mouth,” said Mr Stu P Law, a British engineer.
“I’m sorry we left this poison pill of a law behind, but a law may be a
law, it is still up to thinking people to determine its relevance to the
times. That’s what brains are for, isn’t it?”
Mrs Ho Say Liao is however grateful for this sentencing,
“Now we can control our husbands!”
Meanwhile, the phenomenon has resulted in many like Miss
Long and many deprived females like her, not to mention again all males in
Singapore, the usual pleasure. Lunch time female crowds have begun to show an
increase in longing down-glancing observation, and it wasn’t to look out for
anything to trip them up, pun unintended.
The answer to such desperation is The Bananas Tour. Kim
Jio Travel’s Miss Goh says her female customers who join this tour to JB
gets to enjoy themselves with peace of mind. And to build up, pun unintended
again, expectation, bananas are offered to every customer as a welcome gift on
When asked if that might push things a bit, she replied
that it will depend on the feedback they receive. “We might suggest that if
they don’t like the banana, they could share it out. I think the chances of
that happening is near zero.”
When asked why their boyfriends or husbands are put in
separate coaches, she replied that it is for safety reasons. “Just in case,
you know, once we cross the causeway, monkeys materialize out of once normal
human beings fighting for the bananas,” she said with a straight face.
But wouldn’t Singaporeans find this debasing to the
country once word gets out about such services?
“Errrrm.....word is already out about that law. I
don’t think we can be any more of an international laughing stock than we
are now already.”
Then wouldn’t they run afoul of the same law in
Malaysia since its legal system is also British in origin.
“Well, let’s hope they mean it when they say Malaysia
Bookings for the Bananas Tour starts today. The company
has assured that a whole new call centre with 100 operators to take calls has
been set up. It is, needless to say, first cum first served. The tolled-number
is 1900-7852625. The alpha digits cannot be printed. Calls are charged at 69
cents per minute.
In the meantime, rumours have started about rival tours
to Taiwan, where travelers can sample their “special sausage”.
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