Last edited: May 15, 2004

New Special Tour Service Begins Today, November 9, 2003 (satire)

By Asingaporean

The recent sentencing of a police officer to 2 years’ jail following his engagement in consensual oral sex with a 16 year old girl has inspired a new fruit-oriented tour service.

The Bananas Tour, offered by Kim Jio Travel, offers short overseas trips, mostly across the causeway, for desperate females to satiate their desire for a mouthful of ‘bananas’.

Declining any overt connection between the court ruling and their tour, Kim Jio Travel’s spokesperson, Miss Goh Suk Ther, said, “I also donno why, but after reading the news about the case, I just thought: wouldn’t it be cool to have a tour where people can freely eat bananas? Funny how come I thought of that. It just blows my mind.”

The court case Ms Goh referred to has every Singaporean male keeping their flies zipped tight with their girlfriends and wives. They fear that their female companions might refuse to proceed to intercourse after oral sex, and report them to the police and have them winding up in jail like the police officer in the case.

“What if we just had a fight and my girl was actually deviously pretending to make up by b***ing me and then run away to tell the police she just gave me a b***job and I did not f*** her?” said Mr. Au Au Au.

Many men apparently share Mr Au’s fear that their wives might use the oral sex ruling as a pretext for divorce under the grounds of “incompatibility”, which could mean anything from personality clashes to sexual dissatisfaction.

Mr Boh Ji Leow, who has been married for 10 years, told this reporter that Singaporean wives are known for unscrupulously scheming after their husbands’ money so he wouldn’t take a chance. “This is a whole new climate of fear,” he added.

When asked how the ruling has affected her sex life, Mrs Long Foh Yit said, “My husband will not even, well you know, use his tongue down there because his lawyer friends are checking for him if there is any law the British left behind that is against that also. His lawyer friends are concerned as well. He will only do the bottom one. I am starting to forget his girth. It was that long ago, ok!”

“It is like I can now see a no-entry sign permanently in front of my girlfriend’s mouth,” said Mr Stu P Law, a British engineer. “I’m sorry we left this poison pill of a law behind, but a law may be a law, it is still up to thinking people to determine its relevance to the times. That’s what brains are for, isn’t it?”

Mrs Ho Say Liao is however grateful for this sentencing, “Now we can control our husbands!”

Meanwhile, the phenomenon has resulted in many like Miss Long and many deprived females like her, not to mention again all males in Singapore, the usual pleasure. Lunch time female crowds have begun to show an increase in longing down-glancing observation, and it wasn’t to look out for anything to trip them up, pun unintended.

The answer to such desperation is The Bananas Tour. Kim Jio Travel’s Miss Goh says her female customers who join this tour to JB gets to enjoy themselves with peace of mind. And to build up, pun unintended again, expectation, bananas are offered to every customer as a welcome gift on the coach.

When asked if that might push things a bit, she replied that it will depend on the feedback they receive. “We might suggest that if they don’t like the banana, they could share it out. I think the chances of that happening is near zero.”

When asked why their boyfriends or husbands are put in separate coaches, she replied that it is for safety reasons. “Just in case, you know, once we cross the causeway, monkeys materialize out of once normal human beings fighting for the bananas,” she said with a straight face.

But wouldn’t Singaporeans find this debasing to the country once word gets out about such services?

“Errrrm.....word is already out about that law. I don’t think we can be any more of an international laughing stock than we are now already.”

Then wouldn’t they run afoul of the same law in Malaysia since its legal system is also British in origin.

“Well, let’s hope they mean it when they say Malaysia Boleh.”

Bookings for the Bananas Tour starts today. The company has assured that a whole new call centre with 100 operators to take calls has been set up. It is, needless to say, first cum first served. The tolled-number is 1900-7852625. The alpha digits cannot be printed. Calls are charged at 69 cents per minute.

In the meantime, rumours have started about rival tours to Taiwan, where travelers can sample their “special sausage”. 

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