Ah Meng Charged With Oral Sex Offence
November 30, 2003 (Satire)
By Kway Png
Ah Meng, Singapore’s orangutan darling, was charged in
court yesterday for performing oral sex, which Singapore’s Penile Code deems
an offence against nature punishable with a possible sentence of life
Ah Meng had allegedly performed the act on fellow
orangutan Ah Seng in front of dozens of tourists, many of whom felt so shocked
that they took plenty of photographs.
Said tourist Buddy Redneck, visiting from Texas, “It
ain’t the kind of stuff ya see on National Gee-yo-graphic, but ah guess
it’s still, whatchucallit, edjewcashunal. Ah think we can all learn from Ah
“Especially my wife,” he added. “When it comes to
giving’ a hummer, the bitch totally sucks at it.”
Meanwhile, Singapore Zoological Gardens spokesperson Mrs.
Anne Nirmal said, “We were completely blown away by the news that Ah Meng
had been caught giving a blow job.”
Ah Meng is pleading not guilty to the act, saying she was
merely cleaning her palate after a particularly distasteful breakfast with
some tourists. Said Ah Meng’s lawyer, Simian Counsel Hairy Elias, “Ah Meng
avers that she was so disgusted from having to kiss some chao ang mor
tourist’s ass throughout breakfast that she needed something strong to take
away the taste. She simply reached for the nearest source of liquid, which
coincidentally happened to be her enclosure-mate.”
Ah Meng is now out on bail of $50,000, which the Zoo paid
immediately. Said the Zoo’s Mrs. Nirmal, “It was expensive, but worth it.
Ah Meng is a national treasure, and we didn’t want her to get stuck in
remand. Anyway, when it comes to oral sex, being with the police is not
necessarily the safest place, especially after that sergeant’s case.”
Ah Meng says, however, that she does not fear the
upcoming trial, nor the possible custodial sentence. Said her lawyer Mr.
Elias, “Look, she’s been raised in a zoo all her life. Why should she be
scared of being behind bars?”
Meanwhile, rumours continued to circulate that on hearing
the news, pop superstar Michael Jackson expressed interest in purchasing Ah
Meng for his private zoo to keep his pet chimpanzee Bubbles company. Mr.
Jackson was quoted to have said, “Now that I’m involved in my own sexual
perversity trial, someone else needs to blow Bubbles.”
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