Oral Sex Loosens Tongues
January 11, 2004 (Satire)
By Spring Chicken and Tau Hway Jui
The government announcement that they would be
considering allowing oral sex in Singapore has given citizens a chance to
loosen their tongues in verbal support.
“Acherly, hor, we’ve always thought that olar sex is
good, lah,” said Vice-Minister for Home Affairs Mr Sio Hoon Kee. “It’s
just that last time, Singaporeans not so elucated, mah. All bo tak chek. But
nowsaday, ah, more and more of these chewren got air level, orh level, even
got degree. So, hor, more and more know about oral sex, lah.”
When asked what education had to do with reconsidering
the current law that considers oral sex a criminal act, Mr Sio replied, “Or
cos, what!! You mean you donno meh? Wah lau! If you not elucated ah, olar sex
is very dangerous, you know! You donno biology, ah, or never watch enuff those
R rated movies ah, how you know how to do it? Or cos you donno, right? Then
you anyhow go try-try, then afterward get some injury how? The Gahmen is not
going to be leesponsible for that right? So now that Singapore got elucation,
got more good quality R movies, now the Gahmen can trust our people to do it
Ms Doh Wan Can, who teaches at a local premium school,
was recruited by the government in an effort to ascertain the suitability of
Singaporeans for such carnal knowledge.
“Singaporeans have come of age. Besides, biology is
only offered when teenagers are more mature, and R movies are only allowed for
mature audiences. So the government can rest assured that the people will know
what to do,” she said to reporters, and added (to the reporters’
puzzlement),”It’s about time too!”
“You see, ah,” said Mr Sio, “the Gahmen, hor, is
very wise, lah. We don’ch anyhow say yes or no or maybe one. Everything we
do or don’ch do, ah, got reason, lah. It’s for the country’s own good.
You see, last time, olar sex, ah, is climinal. Because why? Because people
donno, anyhow do, get injured, maybe even bleed to death. Then? Murder, right?
Or minimum manslaughter right? Ah, now, is safe, so can, lah!”
The case for reconsidering the ban on oral sex in
Singapore is scheduled for hearing soon. But it seems everyone is poised for a
positive position to be reached.
Said Mr. Sio. “We look forward to receiving the
people’s oral submissions. But they better not anyhow talk cock!”
In other news, the movement to repeal the present oral
sex ban has received support from the Ministry of Education, who believes that
the ban inhibits its mother tongue policy.
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