Last edited: May 15, 2004

Oral Sex Loosens Tongues, January 11, 2004 (Satire)

By Spring Chicken and Tau Hway Jui

The government announcement that they would be considering allowing oral sex in Singapore has given citizens a chance to loosen their tongues in verbal support.

“Acherly, hor, we’ve always thought that olar sex is good, lah,” said Vice-Minister for Home Affairs Mr Sio Hoon Kee. “It’s just that last time, Singaporeans not so elucated, mah. All bo tak chek. But nowsaday, ah, more and more of these chewren got air level, orh level, even got degree. So, hor, more and more know about oral sex, lah.”

When asked what education had to do with reconsidering the current law that considers oral sex a criminal act, Mr Sio replied, “Or cos, what!! You mean you donno meh? Wah lau! If you not elucated ah, olar sex is very dangerous, you know! You donno biology, ah, or never watch enuff those R rated movies ah, how you know how to do it? Or cos you donno, right? Then you anyhow go try-try, then afterward get some injury how? The Gahmen is not going to be leesponsible for that right? So now that Singapore got elucation, got more good quality R movies, now the Gahmen can trust our people to do it right, right?”

Ms Doh Wan Can, who teaches at a local premium school, was recruited by the government in an effort to ascertain the suitability of Singaporeans for such carnal knowledge.

“Singaporeans have come of age. Besides, biology is only offered when teenagers are more mature, and R movies are only allowed for mature audiences. So the government can rest assured that the people will know what to do,” she said to reporters, and added (to the reporters’ puzzlement),”It’s about time too!”

“You see, ah,” said Mr Sio, “the Gahmen, hor, is very wise, lah. We don’ch anyhow say yes or no or maybe one. Everything we do or don’ch do, ah, got reason, lah. It’s for the country’s own good. You see, last time, olar sex, ah, is climinal. Because why? Because people donno, anyhow do, get injured, maybe even bleed to death. Then? Murder, right? Or minimum manslaughter right? Ah, now, is safe, so can, lah!”

The case for reconsidering the ban on oral sex in Singapore is scheduled for hearing soon. But it seems everyone is poised for a positive position to be reached.

Said Mr. Sio. “We look forward to receiving the people’s oral submissions. But they better not anyhow talk cock!”

In other news, the movement to repeal the present oral sex ban has received support from the Ministry of Education, who believes that the ban inhibits its mother tongue policy.

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