Last edited: May 15, 2004

Gays to Persuade Members Orally, February 1, 2004 (Satire)

By Pak Cham Kai

After their letter failed, Singapore gays wish to make direct oral representations to Members of Parliament about decrimiminalizing oral sex for homosexuals as well.

Gay activist group People Lick Us had written an impassioned plea to MPs arguing that the forthcoming decriminalization of oral sex should not be limited to heterosexuals. They pleaded for understanding, saying that the law of probabilities meant that some MPs might have gay children too, and should consider their position.

However, MPs said they found PLU’s reasoning unconvincing, and even seemed to take the suggestion that they might have gay children badly.

“My son could never be some ah quah,” growled MP for Bukit Buttocks Mrs. Ho Moh-Forbes. “He spends all his time hanging out with really macho guys, playing lots of macho contact sports!”

“I guess our strategy backfired,” said People Lick Us spokesman Khee Suk Kok. “But we’re not discouraged. Backfiring is a common hazard in the gay community.”

Rather, PLU now wishes to make its arguments in person, to give a human face to their suffering.

Said Mr. Khee, “We want to show them we’re sincere. We’re willing to go down on bended knees, and give the Members a blow-by-blow account of our suffering.”

Are PLU concerned that doing so will make the MPs harden their stand?

“Well, we certainly hope our oral submissions will make them come around,” he replied.

MPs have mixed feelings about allowing PLU a second bite of the cherry.

“Bring ‘em on,” said Mrs. Moh-Forbes. “I want to give them a tongue lashing for suggesting I might have gay kids!”

“I hope their reasoning on oral sex the next time round is sound,” said Ho Mo Kio GRC MP Fee Lay Teo. “I don’t want to sit there listening to them just talking cock.”

Hong Kan GRC MP Mr. Mai Jee Seow reiterated the Gahmen’s current stand. “Activists cannot push ahead of what the wider society is able to support.”

“Well, we’re optimistic,” said PLU’s Mr. Khee. “We think Singaporeans are very tolerant people. They’ve tolerated inexplicably high Ministerial pay, gerrymandering, sending troops to a war zone without parliamentary approval, defamation suits for critics, opaque accounting for GIC investments… what’s a small thing like two guys or girls licking each other off in private?”

“See?” thundered Mr. Mai in response to Mr. Khee’s statement. “It’s that kind of sucky attitude that just makes me want to blow my top!”

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