Last edited: May 15, 2004

Group Wants to Teach Chief Justice About Oral Sex, February 22, 2004 (Satire)

By K.K. Cheow

People Lick Us (PLU), a local group advocating the decriminalization of oral sex, wants to teach Chief Justice Yong Pung How about it.

CJ Yong had declined to acquit a man of committing ‘carnal intercourse against the order of nature’ by having oral sex with a teenage girl, even though the sex was consensual and even despite evidence that she had been a serial fellater and suggestions that the accused had been misled about her age.

CJ Yong, however, did halve his sentence, even as he disallowed the admission of fresh evidence contradicting the prosecution’s case.

In his judgment, the Chief Justice laid into arguments that oral sex is natural, saying “certain offences that are so repulsive in Asian culture”, and that “there are countries where you can go and suck away for all you are worth… People in high places do it for all they’re worth. I’m not an expert, but you read about it in the papers. But this is Asia.”

“The Chief’s judgment is very disappointing,” said People Lick Us spokesman Mr. Felay Teo in a press conference held outside the Supreme Court. “He clearly believes the submissions about oral sex being natural are fallacious. It’s a sign of how out of touch he is. And we want to change that.”

Mr. Teo was accompanied by around twenty attractive young PLU activists sporting t-shirts saying, “Give the CJ a BJ”.

“By his own admission, the CJ says he’s not an expert,” Mr Teo continued. “Well, then why is he presiding over the case? Why was there no expert testimony to guide him? Clearly, the whole situation sucks big time.”

PLU has drawn up a tour itinerary ranging from Desker Road to India, Hatyai, Hong Kong and Shenzhen to show the Chief Justice that oral sex is very much a part of Asian practice, and has been for millennia.

“After all, it’s in the Kama Sutra. How much proof do you need it’s a traditional Asian practice?” asked Mr. Teo. “We just regret that the CJ clearly hasn’t been lucky enough to experience it first hand, that’s all. But we’re willing to help him with that too, with our own oral testimony.”

“Come on, Your Honour!” shouted Mr. Teo in the direction of the Court, to the cheers of his supporters. “Let’s change CJ Yong Pung How to CJ Yong Pung Why Not?”

The Chief Justice, meanwhile, has been reported to be annoyed at the barrage of criticism surrounding his judgment. Said a Justices’ Law Clerk who wished to remain anonymous, “The Chief thinks this whole thing has been blown out of proportion.”

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